Appercu

Und dann sitzt du da und du wartest; wartest in die Leere und Stille hinein. Auf die Erleichterung. Doch wie ein Muskel, der - aus Angst davor, erst dann den Schmerz zu empfinden - nicht locker lassen kann, bleibt die Anspannung; es bleibt die Angst; es bleibt die Unruhe.

Und du lernst: Es ist schwierig, den Körper von seiner Alarmbereitschaft zu entwöhnen.

In der Nacht wachst du auf, weil deine Kiefer mahlen.

Quote of the day

In psychoanalysis nothing is true except the exaggerations.
Theodor W. Adorno

Seventeenth lesson of academic logic

The only problem with your PhD is that it doesn't sing you to sleep at night.

Conclusion: Work might make you happy, but it's also makes you feel lonely at times.

Quote of the day

Ich lasse mich niemals durch atmosphärische Störungen oder durch die konventionelle Zeiteinteilung beeinflussen. Ich wäre gern bereit, den Gebrauch der Opiumpfeife und des malaischen Kris wieder einzuführen, aber diese unendlich verderblicheren und zudem nur dem ideenlosen Bürgertum dienenden Instrumente wie Taschenuhr und Regenschirm ignoriere ich.

Marcel Proust - In Swanns Welt

Quote of the day

Uncle Toby [...] attempts to live by Bishop Butler's axiom that 'every thing is what it is, and not another thing.'

How true and beautifully simple - if only man and the word did not exist to give it the lie.

Sigurd Burckhardt - Tristram Shandy's Law of Gravity

Alice in Wonderland

One day I'm going to be a grown up person.

I'm going to be emotionally balanced. Small and unimportant things won't bother me, because I'm going to be able to discern the narrow, but distinctive line between "worth while" and "not worth while" the trouble. Nay, much better: Unimportant stuff won't even cross my emotional radar anymore; I won't even register it, or if at all, then only as one would register the buzz of a fly in a huge library - as some distant, barely audible humming. As a grown up person, I won't judge people anymore on the first impression; I'm going to be open-minded and tolerant to everyone (because, all in all, what I consider the false consciousness of people won't bother me that much anymore, because people in general won't bother me that much anymore).

When I'm going to be a grown up person, I'm also going to have a healthy work/life-balance (or rather: something worth calling a balance between work and life in the first place, that is: a life outside work worth calling life). Real weekends and holidays, vacations where I read the latest Paul Auster for fun, sitting on the terrace sipping a cold beer in the sunset. I'm going to have a job that actually allows me to pay for the things I want to do, and where I don't need to worry how I make it through this month and whether I find the time to go and donate blood plasma so I can afford that sport bathing suit I need. I'm going to have a grown up relationship with an equally grown up, that is: mature and reflected partner in which we actually talk about problems instead of just ignoring them.

In the words of Janosch's little tiger: "Oh wie schön ist Panama!"

Futur antérieur II

I rectify: my next post is going to be about fucking annoying students that don't know how grown ups behave and think University is school.

Futur antérieur

One of these days (when I get back my private life), I'm going to write a post about how life feels these days.

I'm going to write about how it feels to write a PhD and actually enjoy it. I'm going to write about how mysteriously my own perception of myself (or my self) gets confronted with other people's perception of myself (or my self); and how, accordingly, I am learning to readjust how I see myself (or my self). I'm also going to write about the old boys club that academia in Germany is. I'm going to write about being afraid of the future and forgetting to live in the present. I'm going to write about how it feels to be lonesome, and how it is to be lonely, and why it seems I want to be both most of the time. I'm going to write about myself as the lonesome rider. I'm going to write about the teacher I'm trying to become. I'm going to write about how I'm learning and/or trying to be a sensual person.

In the end, I guess I'm going to write about how it feels when you want to say it all, and find out that what you say (or have to say), ultimately, seems always infinitely less.

Sixteenth lesson of academic logic

I'm writing, and I'm enjoying it. It's miraculous.

Conclusion:

(= lines from a song by 2Raumwohnung)

Bleib doch so mein Leben/

Bleib so gut.

Life's a movie - somtimes. (Or the other way around?)

Have you ever seen The Graduate?
Feels kinda like my life right now. Wicked.

Learning a lesson with Don Quijote

Try fitting the world to your imagination, and you'll end up being bruised and broken.

Windmills simply ain't giants, no matter which way you turn it. So you better be satisfied with the windmills and stop drooling over imaginary giants.

Audrey Hepburn & Cary Grant @ their best

I'm minding my business. So I'd be glad if you would, too.

I can only do some things for some people on some days.

Today is not your day. And tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Quote of the day

Je me souviens des jours ancient, et je pleure.
Charles Baudelaire Les Violons de l'automne

In the beginning there was the clitoris

In everday and scientific knowledge alike, there is the persistent rumour that the clitoris looks or is like a small penis.

Well, phylogenetically speaking, the clitoris comes first. So if one was to make a comparison at all, one would have to say that the penis looks like a giant, deformed clitoris.

Highlight of the week

Yesterday was the first time I made my analyst laugh. It was the most wonderful and strangely intimate moment.

We are the economic crisis

For a kilogramm of bred you needed to work 20 minutes in 1960. Now 10. For a bottle of beer 15, now 3; for a chicken 133, now 12; and for a TV 351, now 29.

Any questions?

Quote of the day

Nette amélioration le 1er janvier. Mon état se rapproche de l'hébétude; ce n'est pas si mal.
Michel Houllebecq Extension du domaine de la lutte

Fifteenth Lession of Academic logic

There are those days when you just wanna be left alone.

Unfortunately, most of my days these days are days when I just wanna be left alone.

More unfortunate even, most of my days these days are days when I just wanna be left alone but due to circumstances I am bothered by all kinds of people and problems.

Conclusion: Life = tedious.