Who the freak are you?

It took me about six and a half years to figure out the following thing: I am not made for a 'conventional' life, neither on a professional, nor on a private level; and, what's more: I might not even be interested in it.

Don't get me wrong: I am not saying that I am particularly proud of, and maybe not even particularly happy about this, and I am certainly not saying that I am the most unconventional, exceptional, different, or whatever person. I think that deep down in myself, I had (and to some extent still have) a longing for a somewhat conventional, settled, clear-cut life, and this more or less unconscious wish might be connected to the fact that I never really experienced such a thing (but in the end: who really has? Always remember Judy Butler: the norm is an ideal; a virtual, unattainable structure.). I am not trying to praise myself about this; honestly, there are a lot of moments where I wish(ed) I had a conventional life; you know, a regular, decently paid job, a reasonable amount of free time, being able to sleep at night, marriage, kids - you know, the whole programm.

Moreover, I am not convinced at all of the 'virtue' of unconventionality. I think a lot of people consider unconventionality as a form of moral superiority (what Norbert Bolz calls die Konformisten des Andersseins): If you're unconventional, you're special, which equals that you're 'better' than the so-called 'conventionals'. You're making a difference, you're being an individual (or individualistic); you're standing out of the crowd. (I won't go into all the details about the concept of individualism as truly modern and - as some thinkers say [guess who? yes! Foucault for example] - fundamentally ideological. Individualism is the oil that keeps you working like a proper little wheel in the wheelwork while in the meantime you think you're the most special person to have ever blessed this planet with its existence [remember The Matrix? Well, I believe individualism is more or less like the matrix but without the whole cyber stuff. Which is always why I think we needn't be so worried about genetic engeneering. Remember, after all, that the Nazis - next to their eugenic and racial concepts - inforced a totalitarian regime, you know, the whole symbolism of the 'leader' and his 'people', the organisations, the behavioural codes, the conventions with torch relays. Which is just to say: Genes are not everything. You have to tame life and coincidence as well.]).

Again: Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not trying to argue that we should all be nice and behave properly and not cause any troubles by crossing a red light; of course, social change might never happen without unconventionality. But I think there is a difference between being unconventional and being abnormal, and the difference for me is that you're unconventional by choice, and abnormal by necessity. Unconventionality is a luxury; abnormality is a curse. Unconventionality is a target group with profit potential; abnormality causes the state to spend a lot of tax money on hospitals, mental asylums and jails.