Machen wir uns nichts vor

Niemand wird irgend jemandem getroffen haben.
Niemand wird mit irgend jemandem gesprochen haben.
Niemand wird irgend jemanden gehört haben.
Niemand wird irgend jemanden verstanden haben.

Man wird sich niemals wirklich begegnet sein.

Twentysecond lesson of Academic logic

Du kannst es drehen und wenden wie du willst, bottom line ist doch, dass du einfach absolut gar keine Lust darauf hast, an diesem Scheiß-Teil zu schreiben.

Quote of the day

[...] ein Zimmer, das größer schien, als es war und in dem man auf diesem Bett herumliegen konnte und das tun, was man tut, wenn man verliebt ist: sich etwas vorstellen, sich seinem Herzklopfen hingeben, jedem die Tür aufmachen und immer auf Reisen sein wollen.

Können wir nicht für immer einfach hierbleiben, sagte Owen ganz aufgelöst.

Judith Hermann Die Liebe zu Ari Oskarsson

Weil jede Tragödie, in ihrem tiefsten Inneren, eigentlich eine Komödie ist... Oder: Skurille Täter und ihre skurrilen Waffen, Teil 1

"Unblutig ist die Geiselnahme in einem Kindergarten in der ostfranzösischen Stadt Besancon zu Ende gegangen. In der Früh hatte ein 17-Jähriger mit Säbeln bewaffnet eine ganze Kindergruppe als Geiseln genommen." (via orf.at)

Säbel? Seriously?

Ist denn der Kindergarten die Bastille des 21. Jahrhunderts?

Narciss & Kate

Once upon a lifetime ago, I used to actually write some halfway decent stuff in this blog.
These days, however, all I seem to get myself together to is whining about myself, narcistically orbitting around and around my own private Idaho of desperation and loneliness; impalpably (or not so impalpably) bound by the gravity of drive structure as we know it.

What then...?
Is there no hope I might recover the will; nah, we'd better say: energy to consider the oh so many noteworthy facts in the grander scheme of life?

Should it really go unnoticed, uncommented, that William finally got engaged to Kate by giving her - oh the joy of Oedipus - the very same ring that marked the beginning of his parents illustrous marriage? (William, I dare say you are a brave little man.)

Should it really go unnoticed, uncommented, that Charles and Camilla tried to drive their Rolls Royce through a demonstration in London? (Pray, which other car should they have used?)

Should it really go unnoticed, uncommented that our very favourite dictator Gadaffi is a fan of Lionel Richie and (thus) never travels without an Ukrainian nurse? (Which comes as no surprise, obviously.)

Dare I stay untouched, unmoved by the wits of high diplomacy, their unfailing delicacy and creative imagination, paralleled only by, let's say, the puns and the audacity of the yellow press? (I dare not, I assure you.)

In sum:
Hoffentlich wird es nicht so schlimm, wie es schon ist.

Stilblüten der Seminarvorbereitung

Nach einer Selbstaussage Freuds seien es die Dichter und Philosophen gewesen, die das Unbewußte entdeckt haben; er jedoch habe die wissenschaftliche Methode entdeckt, mit der man das Unbewußte erschorschen kann...

Zigaretten und Traubenzucker

= die Diät der Champions.

Quote of the day

Das Problem besteht gerade darin, daß wir in dem Hottentotten einen Menschenschlag finden, der all seine Intelligenz, über die er im Überfluß verfügt, aufwendet mit dem einzigen Ziel, bequem zu leben, das Leben zu genießen und möglichst nichts zu tun.

Bericht an die Königlich Preußische Akademie der Wissenschaften über eine Forschungsreise von Dr. Leonhardt Brunkhorst, a.o. Professor an der Universität Greifswald von 1904 bis 1905. Aus: Uwe Timm Morenga

Groundhog day

I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

Die heterosexuelle Matrix - ein alltägliches Spiel

Ich bin eigentlich immer wieder von der Höhe, Breite und Länge, kurz gesagt: der Größe männlicher Egos überrascht.
Es übersteigt echt meinen Horizont, wie ein Gartenzwerg mit aufgeblasenem Bizeps und dem IQ einer Tomate sich dazu erdreisten kann, mir ungefragt Tipps dafür geben zu wollen, wie sich in (s)einer kleinen heteronormativen Welt mein "Marktwert" noch steigern lassen würde.

Fanpost

Dear Duffy,

I love it: the sound, the style, the dimples.
Truly yours
In awe.

Legendary

In der Encyclopédie von Diderot & d'Alembert verweist der Artikel "Anthropophagie" auf den Artikel "Eucharistie".

Sonntag = Seminarvorbereitungstag

In the words of Anton Tschechov: Ich sterbe.

Sunday morning mood

Ist denn...

... die ganze Welt verrückt geworden?
Ich verstehe das einfach alles nicht mehr; warum Menschen tun, was sie tun.
Oder vielleicht gibt es Tage, an denen dir Absurdität und Sinnlosigkeit stärker auffallen als an anderen Tagen.
Ich fühle mich so wund; so offen; so berührbar.

Daphné Par la Fenêtre

Le ciel était engourdi et je m'étais endormie sur tes lettres.
Elles ne faisaient pas de bruit, sous le jardin alangui comme un jour d'hiver.
Mais je sais qu'aujourd'hui leurs chants m'ont saisi par la fenêtre.
Et que ta voix m'a prise de te voir ici par ces lettres.
Oui, le silence me tue comme le sort retenu d'un vieu sortilège.
Et si je ne t'ai jamais lu c'est pour taire l'imposture que je cache sans cesse.
Vois, on m'a dit d'oublier de penser à t'aimer mais je cherche
Dans mes venues, mes allers celles qui n'auraient pas été là pour te plaire.
J'ai toujours gardé un oeil pour écouter ces mots sur le papier, et voir si un jour ils me parleraient.
Je t'ai toujours rêvé par la fenêtre où je t'appelais, par la fenêtre où je t'enchantais.
Et pour te rencontrer, j'aurais fait de la tête aux pieds, le tour de la Terre.
Quand il me suffisait de te lire ouvert, pour te connaître.
Je voulais que tu sois, magicien ou roi pour que tu apparaisses.
A travers les miroirs, à travers les regards.
Je voulais que tu me cherches.
J'ai toujours gardé un oeil pour écouter tes mots sur le papier, et voir si un jour ils me parleraient.
Je t'ai toujours rêvé par la fenêtre où je t'appelais, par la fenêtre où je t'enchantais.

J'étais de ces enfants-là qui rient tout le temps pour ne pas montrer qu'ils s'inquiètent.
En serrant contre moi ces trésors de toi, ces lettres de noblesse.

Viel schlimmer noch als die Erfahrung verletzt zu werden; die Erfahrung, dass die eigenen Grenzen nicht respektiert werden, ist die Erkenntnis diese Verletzungen und Grenzüberschreitungen so lange Zeit als selbstverständlich akzeptiert zu haben, weil einem überhaupt nicht klar war, dass eigentlich niemand das Recht dazu hat, einen zu verletzen.

Precisely.

Photo via Fuck you very much.

Unglaublich, aber wahr...

... meine Gebete wurden erhört und der Tag heute verschrieben.

Killing not so softly

The reason why I tend to symbolically kill ex-partners by completely barring them out of my life, radically cutting all ties to them, lies in the insufferableness of the fact that while I can't be near, see or talk to the person who once meant the world to me, everybody else can.

I started teaching my first course

Absolutely hilarious.

Being Don Quijote

I have this don quijotesque tendency or trait to fight windmills as if they were giants.

I thought the point would be to try to stop fighting windmills as if they were giants.

When the question might actually be: why fight at all?

Murphy

Und jetzt ratet mal, wer sich neulich noch ob ihrer täglichen Infraktionen der Straßenverkehrsordnung gebrüstet hat, heute aber eine Ordnungsanzeige für das Überqueren einer roten Ampel kassieren musste und nun schlappe 45 Euro + 23 Euro Bearbeitungsgebühr hinlegen darf?

Precisely: yours truly.
Ganz ohne Zweifel das allergeringste meiner Probleme.

Life-a-doodle

I'm so tired I wish I could just buy this huge, gigantic, family-size XXL pack of sleep and eat on it for the rest of my days until this darn thing is done and over.
Desire for the end, as Peter Brooks so poignantly put it. Only the end can satisfy me now.

Life, "random"

Sometimes you wish your unconscious would just stop doing you.
Or the other way around: that you could just accept not being master of the house.

I dream of a life, lived differently.

And I think it's been a long time since I felt this lonely. Nobody to come home to; literally and in the most existential way you could imagine.

Status update

Der heutige Tag war wie die Klospülung: eine einzige Abwärtsspirale Richtung Scheiße.

Highlight des Tages

Eine aufgerissene Kondomverpackung im Stiegenhaus von Schelling 3. Good to know that at least someone's having fun. And safe too.

So neat.

That's what I call Exzellenz-Uni

Die Kloschüsseln der "renovierten" Damentoiletten in Schelling 3 sind von Villeroy&Boch. Da weiß man doch wenigstens noch, wo die Steuergelder hinfließen. Mehr Stellen an der Uni? Vergiss es. Mehr Sachmittel (zB eine Zweitausgabe von jedem Buch in den sogenannten Präsenzbibliotheken)? Papperlapapp. Exzellent scheißen gehen können, darauf kommt es doch in Wahrheit an.

The Blender of Death

I feel like one of those blenders you seen in cartoons or slapstick movies, you know the ones that got turned on without the lid on and now they're just totally out of controll. Stuff is flying around in the house and little juicy pieces stick to the walls and everything coming near my orbit just gets absorbed and shred into a gazillion pieces and stil I keep on going and going like a lunatic.
Argh.
Would somebody please find the switch off button for me?

Unter diesen Bedingungen KANN ich nicht arbeiten!!!

Die fälschlicherweise also solche bezeichneten Präsenzbibliotheken der LMU scheinen tatsächlich nur die Funktionsweise des Symbolischen nach Lacan zu exemplifizieren: "daß man nur von dem, was seinen Ort wechseln kann, das heißt vom Symbolischen buchstälich sagen kann, daß es an seinem Platz fehle." Needless to say, sind es immer gerade die von mir gesuchten Bücher, die an ihrem Platz fehlen.

Status update.

Das Leben: vollgestopft mit Ärgerlichem.

Things we lost in the fire

I just watched Kimberly Peirce's Boys don't cry again.

Somehow, even though I know the story/movie and I was trying to see it with analyst's eyes, it made such an impact on me again, just the sheer violence; the sheer hatred; the seeming impossibility of lives lived differently.

You sit there anxious, left with nothing but sadness and fear.

Realitätssinn

Die Menschen sind, genau besehen, um einiges kleiner, als man gedacht hatte.

Un week-end avec Jacques

et aussi

Quote of the day

[...] she gravitates towards venues where she can "show off", a desire neither to desire nor be desired, but a desire for self-effacement that comes only at the moment when everyone is looking. Represented as a desire that is like sex, but not sexual, the performance enables Woolf to transcend the transparency of her own sexlessness in order to refashion herself as "incandescent" [...]
Anne Herrmann: Queering the Moderns. Poses/Portraits/Performances

Tel Aviv nights

I had a real New York moment tonight.

It's Shabbat here in Israel, which is kind of like a Sunday, except that it starts on Friday night and continues until Saturday evening.

Almost everything should be closed because as an observant Jew, you're not supposed to work - not even drive a car (remember Walter Sobchak's rant in The Big Lebowski when he has to get into his car on Shabbes?). Obviously, that does not happen because not everybody is Jewish, or that observant, or whatever.

You do notice that a lot more shops are closed and streets less crowded though, even here in Tel Aviv.

So tonight, when I was looking for a place to eat, I was prepared to make compromises; or rather: to be glad to get some sort of decent food at all.

I ended up in an Italian Restaurant of all places, not only because it was one of the few restaurants open - as opposed to just any ol' joint that sells Pizza, Burger and Chicken (really in that combination) -, but because I really felt like having some other kind of food after days of eating mostly Hummus and the likes.

I had the oddest experience ever because it was such a cosy, dim place, playing wonderful Jazz and Opera music in the background (okay, a bit kitsch, but oh so lovely); it was just the place you'd imagine one of those Woody Allen scenes in New York in: Remember the opening scene of Melinda/Melinda? Exactly that kind of place. I had delicious pasta and treated myself to a glass of Italian red wine. I also started reading Uwe Tellkamp's Der Turm, the beginning of which is set in the winter, which gave me a strange, somewhat disconnected feeling.

It was the most amazing evening.

Tel Aviv - 3rd Day

The Tel Aviv Museum of Art hosts a quite impressive collection of Modernist painters: impressionists, expressionists, cubists, surrealists - Monet, Degas, Van Gogh, Picasso, etc. etc. - you get the picture.

I thought I didn't like impressionist art anymore; or any of the Modern Avant-Garde, because they are so overconsumed. Probably one of the first notions one has of art is impressionism; or rather, it is an art which has come to such a degree of pleasantness almost everyone would agree on the beauty of a Monet painting, it's candidness, it's aesthetic value - it is, in short (and maybe that is the most sordid thing one could say about art): pleasing to the eye. Impressionism seems to have lost - at least it did for me - every sense of radicality or even shock it must have had. Nowadays, you can find a reproduction of an impressionist painting to adorn everybody's living room; noone is offended anymore, quite the contrary.

I was somehow bored in advance, then, by the impressionists section of the exhibition. But a second look on a Degas painting - yet another one of the ballet scenes he is so (in)famously known for - puzzled me: Was I hallucinating, or was the background of the midst-rehearsal scene really a landscape -- did the wood floor actually discharge on a placid green field and trees? There could be no doubt about it. Was it - even more witty - the representation of a stage setting, and thus not "real" nature at all?

Thus, I suddenly discovered an incongruency in the painting: something was louche, as the French say, in this picture, something was not quite fitting this presumably harmonious and intimate moment of supposedly unobserved female figures abandoned to a moment of pause. Not only the way in which the painting was made - so comforting to our eye today, so outrageous to the impressionists' contemporaries - but what it supposedly depicted questioned the sense of reality or realism, of what was or wasn't "really" shown in this picture.

Jerusalem

The first thing you notice when arriving in Jerusalem is the Orthodox Jews; there are a lot of them, comparing to Tel Aviv, and they are, obviously, very visible. As I was riding a bus to the Old City, a group of young orthodox jewish boys boarded the bus -- fully dressed like their elders. But as the bus ride went on, you'd realize that they're just teenage boys, making lots of noise and spoofs and nonsense. Well, obviously, I guess; but I have to admit that I first thought they would be more, uhm, dignified I guess. Full of religious feeling and observance and all that stuff.

Arriving at the Western Wall was somewhat of a shock because it seemed more like an theme park: large groups of people and buses and screams and noise. The Western Wall itself is somehwat weird: crowds of men gathered along it, while the women wait about 50metres or so at a fence in a distance. I didn't get why - I guess it has something to do with the Jewish faith - but women weren't allowed to access, or maybe they're only allowed to access on women only days?

The whole Old City continues being either crowded with people and vendors trying to lure you into their shops or being really deserted. I walked around and got totally disorientated and lost, but you can orient yourself pretty well once you've reached one of the outside walls. I also did - the part I liked most - a ramparts walk, going along the northern side. It was quite interesting to be able to peep into the backyards of Old Jerusalem; because, though I can't imagine how or why, people really actually live there. (I think I'd go nuts within a week.) It was also really pleasant getting away from the crowd.

I duly strawled along the Via Dolorosa, walking by the place were Jesus was flogged by Pontius Pilatus. The Via Dolorosa is maybe the weirdest of it all, though, with all the shops alongside it. When you think about it though, it must have been like that when Jesus walked there too.

All in all, I found the Old City of Jerusalem highly irritating. I don't think I liked it. I walked around the city centre a bit; but was already too tired and worn out to really enjoy it. Jerusalem itself is very different from Tel Aviv; very hilly.

I am not sure whether I'm going back to Jerusalem at all; I would, but only to see Yad Vashem.

Tel Aviv - 2nd Day

I saw a pug on the beach today.
It refused to bathe in the sea like every other common golden retriever around.
It very elegantly hurdled through the sand.
I was in awe.

Israel: First Impressions

People seemed surprised, both here and back home, about my choosing Israel as a place for vacation.
Mostly, I guess, for reasons of security.
Lonely Planet states that the chances of getting killed in a car accident in your home country are higher than the chances of dying here in Israel because of a suicide bomber or the likes.
Still: Israel isn't just like any other country to spend your holiday in, and you notice right away.
Someone who lived all his life in Western Europe or the US is struck by the presence of soldiers - armed soldiers, that is -, and to some degree discomforted. I saw a twenty-something year old kid walking past me today with what looked like a machine gun dangling around his body. I didn't feel particularly safe because of it.
When I read Amos Oz A Tale of Love and Darkness before coming here, it struck me how fragile the Israeli state was from the beginning on. Coming from two different backgrounds and never really having cared about either of the two countries or cultures I was socialized in, I find it hard to imagine what it must mean to live or be born in a country like Israel. I saw a man at the beach today who had the geographical outline of Israel tatooed onto the right side of his chest. Can you imagine tatooing your home country - no matter how big or small - on your body? (And his tatoo was big, taking up almost all the right side of the thorax.)

Tel Aviv

Taking a bath in the lukewarm Mediterranean sea; jumping into the huge waves; falling asleep as I grub my hand into the sand.
Holidays: I heart you.

This is it.

And it didn't hurt at all.

Bring it on

Review: almost done.
E-ticket: printed.
Limit on VISAcard: expanded.
Library books: returned.
Playlist for b'day-party: made.
Dress for b'day-party: cleaned.

In other words: I'm almost there.

My momma told me: there'll be days like this

Jedes Wort mühselig erkämpfend fühlst dich wie ein Stein, aus dem man - wie im Märchen - nur unter größtem Druck einen Tropfen Flüssigkeit herauspressen kann. Ausgewrungen; abgerungen.

Good morning

Getting fined by the police for listening to Music on my Ipod while riding my bike: 10 Euros.
Telling a joke to the police officer and him not getting it: priceless.

Twentyfirst lesson of academic logic

Diss, oh Diss
I gotta tell you how I feel aboutchu
cos I oh I
can't go aminute withoutchu
Diss

Like a satellite
I'm in an orbite all the way aroundchu
and I would fall out into tha night
can't go aminute withoutchu
Diss

My other new fancy

So Trude and I started blogging about our masqueradique-photographic escapades. Go have a look.

Twentieth lesson of academic logic

So my friend made this great typo: emergy, which conflates three different things:
- energy
- emergence
- emergency

We decided to make it our PhD-slogan.

My new fancy

Ad-vent

I'm so looking forward to this vacation it's almost insane.
Just booked a hotel so close to the sea that if I am lucky I can see it through my room's window. How fantastic is that???
Just fucking have a look at what is awaiting me

Quote of the day

When Austin was being questioned at Royaumont on the necessity for types of research other than his own (psychological research, for example), he, as usual, responded with a joke: "I favor that sort of research, and I can only refer you to an article of mine in which I have formulated my credo on this point: an article very aptly entitled 'Excuses'; since my credo amounts in the end to excusing myself for not doing what I have no intention of doing."

Shoshana Felman The Scandal of the Speaking Body

Wie schön...

... dass es so viele Möglichkeiten und Gründe dafür gibt, sich schlecht zu fühlen.

Wie sagte so treffend Tolstoi? Alle glücklichen Familien gleichen einander, jede unglückliche Familie dagegen ist unglücklich auf ihre eigene Art.

Obviously

The problem when you're drunk is that you've still got to set your alarm for the next morning.

Quote of the day

The sentiment of being riveted to being is one of being in the forced company of our own being, whose ‘brutality’ consists in the fact that it is impossible either to assume it or to disown it. It is what we are in our most intimate core, that which singularizes us, that which cannot be vulgarized and yet also that which we cannot recognize. We do not comprehend or choose it, but neither can we get rid of it; since it is not of the order of objects […] it cannot be objectified, placed before us and confronted.

Joan Copjec - May '68, The Emotional Month

Lacan for Dummies

Slowenian philosopher and psychoanalyst Slavoj Zizek is (in)famously know for bringing popular culture film and Lacan together; a match many people don't consider one made in heaven. Though crowned by success both in academia and outside it, most academics frown at Zizek's brazen interlacing, judging that his particular creation of "Zizek-film" does neither eludicate Lacan nor say very accurate or brilliant things about film.

Indeed, reading Zizek will make you feel uneasy at best, sometimes annoyed about the way he supposedly illustrates Lacanian concepts with his mostly filmic examples. It does sometimes have a hint of condescension and paternalism; if images, as someone once tellingly said, are for idiots, it seems that Zizek's project is similar to the book series "... for Dummies". One might also argue that Lacan had some strong reasons to go all the way of abstraction and complexity; that there is a particular virtue in theory being about making things more complex rather than explaining you the world in an easy way.

On a second look though, trying not to be put off by Zizek's often nonchalant style, you might also realize that his examples only on a first look supposedly illustrate Lacanian theory. Or rather: there is no simple evidence in his examples, and it is not as if the complexity of Lacan would be reduced. Taking the examples seriously and analysing them in detail might very often make you side their complexity and, most importantly, their unillustrativeness - the fact that they do as much illustrate as not illustrate but complicate or even contradict.

Fundamental in psychoanalysis and psychoanalytic theory alike is the question of Darstellbarkeit, presentability. Freud's point about dream analysis is that one should neither focus solely on the dream image, nor on the history; that there is something in between or emerging from the two that is neither the one, nor the other - the mechanisms of the unconscious. And those are, in the end, absolutely unrepresentable. I guess it would be highly and dangerously underestimating someone with the wits of Zizek to suppose that he hasn't read his Freud.

Growing up

I hope that one of these days - in the not so distant future - I'm going to stop feeling in some fundamental sense wrong about myself.

Summer plans

I had this most amazing idea this morning: I recently decided I was going to go on holidays after all this year, PhD or not. I wasn't sure, though, where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. But in today's inspirational morning mood it finally came upon me and a summer plan was born: I'm gonna go to Tel Aviv. I've wanted to go to Israel in general and Tel Aviv in particular for the longest time. Tel Aviv seems to have all I could ask for: beaches, night life, culture, architecture, a very particular history. I'm really excited about this.

Aus dem Leim

Es gibt diese Tage, da scheint das Leben aus den Fugen geraten zu sein - was kein großes Drama impliziert; mehr so ein Gefühl - wie wenn ein Bild unmerklich schief hängt, und du weißt nicht warum, aber irgendwie fühlt Nichts sich richtig an. Es gibt morgens genauso wenig einen Grund aufzustehen wie es einen Grund gibt liegen zu bleiben. Es ist dir alles, im vollen Sinne dieses Wortes gleich--gültig.

# Kings of Leon # Cold Desert

I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me

Hot Town/Summer in the City

If only I weren't so fuckin' tired...

Not so great expectations.

The problem is: good or bad, no matter what, I just want it to be over and done with.

Letter to Life

Liebes Leben,

es wäre ganz nett von dir, wenn du es so einrichten könntest, dass:
1. einmal nicht alles gleichzeitig passiert.
2. etwas einmal einfach nur schön ist.

Best regards,
Yours Überfordert

Priceless

Auf einem Symposion zum Thema "Visualität" einen Vortrag mit zugeschwollenem Auge halten.

Irgendwas is immer

Na toll, jetzt schwillt aus mir unerfindlichen Gründen auch noch mein linkes Augenlid seit gestern zu. Großartig, wirklich, ganz großes Kino.

Ich hab...

... so gehörig die Schnauze voll von unreflektierten Menschen. Himmelherrgott, wie schwierig kann es denn sein? Wenn du nicht mit deinem eigenen Leben zu Rande kommst, then at least don't go running around messing up everybody else's life. Ist denn das wirklich zu viel verlangt?

You live, you learn

Schätzchen, der Haken an der Sache kommt immer. Die Frage ist nur wann.

Fame

The other day, my humble, stylish self was noticed in the street.
It's like, ugh, totally awesome.

Siggi & I. A Love Story.

Sigmund Freud: you are a genius of a nutcase - or was it the other way around?

Das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

Natürlich wünscht du dir Eindeutigkeit:

Schwarz und weiß; 2 + 2 = 4; die Guten tragen helle Kleidung und die Bösen rauchen.

Niemand hat dir beigebracht wie das geht: die Grautöne des Lebens nicht nur akzeptieren, mehr schlecht als recht, wohl oder übel. Sondern: die Grautöne - das ist das Leben selbst. Dein eigenes. Das der Anderen.

In the words of a famous Coldplay song: nobody said it was easy.

Wo bleibt er nur...

... der Haken an der Sache?

Worum es geht.

Vertrauen - in einen selbst und in andere.

Vertrauen, das ist auch: Zuversicht. Der Glaube daran, dass man, wenn man springt, aufgefangen werden wird.

Vertrauen ist auch: Zutrauen. Vor der Fremdheit - der eigenen und der der anderen - nicht zurückschrecken.

Thursday, raw

You know there are those days when everything seems to just get straight at you; no skin, no border between inside & outside. You feel like an open wound; raw flesh; and despite everything, anxiety persists.

Kasperltheater

Also ich persönlich bin ja dafür, dass Lena neue Bundespräsidentin wird, Guido Westerwelle nächstes Jahr zusammen mit Milan Stankovic beim Songcontest antritt und Angela Merkel ab jetzt TV Total moderiert.

Merry-go-round

Appetitlosikgeit: Flaues-Gefühl-im-Magen.
Schlaflosigkeit: Stundenlang-im-Bett-Herumgewälze.
Unkonzentriertheit: In-5-Stunden-3-Seiten-Lesen-und-trotzdem-Nichts-verstehen.
In the words of Björk: Feelin'-like-someone-in-love.

Happiness. Possibly.

A typical day in bobo-town.

Mango cheese cake & Latte macchiato: 6,90.
Lemon-basil icecream: 1,10.
Pomegranate juice with peppermint: 3,50.
Catching a cold on the first day of summer: Priceless.

Junkie

Four days without my IPod and I'm going nuts.

Quote of the day

Der Satz: alle Menschen müssen sterben, paradiert zwar in den Lehrbüchern der Logik als Vorbild einer allgemeinen Behauptung, aber keinem Menschen leuchtet er ein, und unser Unbewußtes hat jetzt so wenig Raum wie vormals für die Vorstellung der eigenen Sterblichkeit.

Sigmund Freud Das Unheimliche.

Ha!

Swinging feet in the subway, prancing walk down the street, totally unmotivated bursts of inner joy - I recognize happiness when I see it!!!

Letter to the future

Dear me,

shouldn't we try to get a little less hyped up and freaked out next time around?
I mean, if you do this kinda shit every time you have to do a presentation, you and me will have a serious problem.
Yours,
Me

Single men

I just saw the utterly aesthetic A Single Man, starring Colin Firth, directed by Tom Ford. A wonderful movie, if you ask me, for anyone who is into beautiful pictures, beautiful pictures of beautiful men, beautiful pictures of beautiful men in the 1960ies.

I've been wondering though. A Single Man is the last in a row of big Hollywood motion pictures about gayness - a sort of nouvelle gay Hollywood vague that really kicked in with the huge success of Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain. Ang Lee won the Oscar for best director in 2005, 2009 Sean Penn was awarded the Oscar for Milk, and Colin Firth was nominated for best actor in a leading role for his performance in A Single Man.

So far, so good. I mean, it's about time gayness hit the big screen in a way that does not confine gay men to the supporting role of the funny, a wee bit campy best friend (think of My Best Friend's Wedding, for example).

So I wonder: where are the feature-length movies about lesbians?

Is it because lesbians aren't that big a deal in terms of target audience? is it because their purchasing power isn't as interesting as gay men's is? Is it because lesbian sexuality is still considered something like a peccadillo, something not really that big of a scandalon, and thus good for attracting large crowds or getting you the Oscar for being so utterly provocative? Is it because the majority of people still have a secretly voyeuristic touch and a bit of a scary thrill when two men merely tongue kiss, whereas two women having sex is something you can see in almost any heteronormative porn?

Aschewolken über Europa

Es ist so:
Du musst durch den Schmerz, durch die Traurigkeit, durch die Sehnsucht, durch all das musst du einfach durchtauchen.
Ganz einfach einmal tief Luftholen, von der Oberfläche verschwinden, um am anderen Ende des Beckens erst wieder aufzutauchen.
Vor allem aber: Du musst an diesen andere Ende glauben. Und daran glauben, dass dein Atem ausreicht, dich bis an dieses Ende zu tragen.

Inge's Karotte

Best name for a bar ever.

It's like this...

... the world could be this perfect, awesome, peaceful place if there weren't always someone smarter than you, more beautiful than you, more stylish than you, younger than you, older than you, more sucessful than you, edgier than you, rawer than you, braver than you, having read more books than you did, prefering other people to you, simply hurting you by being the way they are, tall and with curly hair, living in NYC, absurdely flexibel in yoga class or a ballet dancer altogher.

So that is that.

One sad story of a deprived childhood

i'm turning 30 this year.
i've never had a birthday party in my life, 'cos you see: my bday is in august = time of year when either i or the others are away on vacation.
but not this year.
this year i'm going to celebrate like there's no tomorrow.
this year i'm going to have a party that will make up for all those parties i never had and never will have.
ha. ha. ha.

My thoughts exactly.

Things to do on a sleepless night.

# 1 - Plan your 30iest bday bash.
# 2 - Finish reading 2666.
# 3 - Masturbate.
# 4 - Check emails.
# 5 - Blog.

Where am I? Part II

No stopping this weird disjunction of time, space and my whereabouts; feeling like the Heisenberg uncertainity principle reincarnated.

Funny how this sense of disorientation in time & space makes you feel dizzy about yourself; it's as if the coordinates of time & space not only anchor you in reality, but first and foremost in yourself.

Where am I?

I don't really know.

Things have been pretty out of control these past days or weeks. I've been on the move for an eternity, or so it seems. That is why, curiously, though I'm about to go on vacation to the Netherlands this week, I'd rather feel like having a "vacation" in which I only stay at home and work on my thesis.

Absurd.

Which just goes to say: never happy with what you've got.

Quote of the day

Vous me direz qu’une sauterelle ou une sangsue, organisme patient de l’expérience, n’en sait rien, de cette dimension de l’Autre. Je suis absolument d’accord. C’est bien pour ça que tout mon effort, pendant un certain temps, a été de vous démontrer l'ampleur d'un niveau comparable chez nous, sujet. Chez ce sujet que nous sommes, tel que nous apprenons à le manier et à le déterminer, il y a aussi tout un champ où, de ce qui nous constitute, nous ne savons rien.

Jacques Lacan - Séminaire X, L'angoisse.

Auntie Fab

Yesterday my brother and his wife told me amazing news: I'm going to be an aunt by late October this year. I'm totally hyped. I've been wanting this for the past couple of months or maybe year; I've had a strong feeling for some time now about kids, not having one of my own, but having children in my life or sharing life with children, and particularly of becoming an aunt, which is something different to me than having good friends with children. It's also different (and so much good luck) since I've been growing closer to my brother and his wife over the past year and a half or so; so I really hope I can be part of that baby's life. I feel like I have breaking news to tell everyone.

I'm going to be the best aunt ever; you know the kind of eccentric aunt parents dread and children love (or the other way around?). I'm going to spoil that kid and try to give it crazy ideas about life, love, and what have you not. It's gonna be the best. I hope.

The other day I was getting myself into trouble

Status update

I want spring to come so badly I could poop.

La logique du supplement

For some kind of foods there is what we in German call "Ersatz-", a kind of surrogate. You can make a coffee-like powder out of chiccory, for example, which will not quite taste like real coffee, but will do in times where there's no coffee available. Probably, there is a surrogate for all kinds of rare and/or expensive food.

There's a surrogate for caviar, also and of course.

The problem being that once you've tried real caviar, the surrogate will be quite a ridiculous and unsatisfactory business. But then again, you won't know how good the real stuff tastes until you've tried the surrogate. So I guess Derrida was right about the whole original-copy stuff: the original is original only insofar as there is a copy in relation to which it can constitute itself as an original.

That even holds true for caviar.

Jenseits des Lustprinzips

Beyond the pleasure principle is not, as one might tend to think, an ex negativo definition of the reality principle. Beyond the pleasure principle lies not reality, but death, or rather: the death drive. What Freud thus tried to circumscribe by negation - as if it were impossible to positively define the death drive by saying what it is, rather than what it is not -, with the formula "beyond the pleasure principle" is a drive that is pure negation itself; a drive that paradoxically persists on the complete extermination of life, and thus itself.

The German word Jenseits finally - and probably not coincidentally - is a synonym for the hereafter; or rather: it is a topographical metaphor (designating a space rather than a time) for whatever lies beyond death.

Growing up, sideways, past, or whatever other direction

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole growing up business. You know, it's my big thing for 2010. It's like my concept, my project, whatever.

Don't get me wrong - this is NOT AT ALL about trying to live by yourself, take responsability for what you do, be reasonable, bla bla. Sometimes when I say to people "I think 2010 will be the year when I grow up", they turn their eyes in a slightly condescending way sighing "Oh, I wish I was only growing up now! You know, I had to be a grown up from way early on in my life..." Upon which, ususally, follows some variation of a deprived childhood or other really "bad" experience that made people grow up "the hard way" and "way before their time".

So let me get this right: I've had my share of bad experience; I pay for my life (in every way); I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 and have been living by myself since I was 23 - so in terms of responsibilty, getting my life straight, cleaning up and cooking for myself, I'm doing all right. Growing up, for me, is not about being reasonable or not going out every night or just getting old and somewhat middle-class. It's not about getting married or starting to have kids or all this other bourgeois bullshit.

What it means to me is mostly a kind of courage, maybe even audacity. It's about knowing yourself, being in touch with yourself and taking decisions about your life without either totally depending on the judgement of others or just fucking the judgement of others. It has, for me, a lot to do with serenity, and calmness - a kind of distance or difference to the world and to yourself, that does not mean you ignore the world and don't give a shit, but that you have a slight gap around you letting you breathe and letting you take your decisions for yourself - and most importantly, letting you take audacious decisions. No cowardness will do; no excuse; no extenuating circumstances.

Weisheit des Tages

Selbstmitleid ist der Narzissmus der Paranoiker.

Bilingual Exorzcism

You're not special, you're not individual, you're not even particularly original. What distinguishes you from all other people is really not that much and thereby not really worth mentioning.

You'd save yourself and everbody else a lot of trouble if you'd only finally, finally! realize that.

Du bist nicht individuell, du bist nicht besonders, du bist nichtmal besonders originell. Was dich von den Anderen unterscheidet ist bei weitem nicht so groß und schon gar nicht großartig, wie du glaubst.
Deswegen würdest du dir und allen anderen auch eine Menge Mühe und Leid ersparen, wenn du das nur endlich endlich kapieren könntest.

Alaaf Helau

Und wieder was gelernt...

... auch das hättest du nicht glauben können: wie sehr du jemanden, der eigentlich nur sehr wenig und sehr kurz (und/oder sehr virtuell) Teil deines Lebens war, vermissen kannst.

Ich denke an dich, und es tut mir einfach alles nur weh.

Na, das fängt ja gut an...

... dieses Jahr 2010.
Geht es nicht ein bisschen besser als das?

Man könnte gar nicht so viel Fressen wie man Kotzen möchte

Das fucking Wunderkind der Bohème

Tja, was soll man dazu sagen außer: waren wir jemals so hip? waren wir jemals so cool? waren wir jemals so Prenzlberg? Offensichtlich nicht. Mein Gott, für unsereins waren doch beschissene Holzfäller-Hemden und jugendliches Erbrechen zu den Gitarrenklängen von Nirvana das höchste der Gefühle. Ich wollte die Welt verändern, aber die beschissenen Erwachsenen ließen einen auch gar nichts machen, nicht mal die Haare färben, und wie willste denn da bitte die Welt verändern oder ein Buch schreiben oder ein Lied, wenn das ganze Unternehmen schon am Haarefärben scheitert?

In Summe bleibt zu sagen: Hoffentlich wird es nicht so schlimm, wie es schon ist.

Momentaufnahme

Die Feigheit; immer wieder die Feigheit der Menschen.
Dass es nicht klar ist jedem: Glück ist nicht bequem.
Das ist es, was uns die Psychoanalyse lehrt: dein Begehren hat einen Preis.

Erwachsenwerden - ein Versuch

Etwas wagen. Wirklich etwas wagen. Bereit sein, ein Risiko einzugehen, auch auf die Gefahr hin, alles zu verlieren. Mutig sein. Wütend sein. Kein duckmäuserisches Denken mehr. Kein braves Ich-mache-alles-richtig-hast-du-gesehen?

Am Rand stehen, die Arme ausbreiten, und sich trauen, in die Leere zu springen.

J’accepte, das wird fortan meine Unterschrift sein, das soll dich aber nicht beunruhigen, beunruhige Dich wegen nichts. Ich will Dir nie was Böses, versteh dieses Wort in allen Lettern recht, es ist mein Name, daß ich akzeptiere, und du wirst zählen können, darauf zählen wie auf die hauptsächlichen Klarheiten, von Dir akzeptier ich alles.

Jacques Derrida Die Postkarte

Siehst du es denn nicht, mein Gott, siehst du es denn nicht, wie ich vergehe, zergehe, zugrundegehe; wie mir alles vergeht, zergeht, zugrundegeht; wie mir an dir alles vergeht, zergeht, zugrundegeht; wie ich an dir vergehe, zergehe, zugrundegehe - der Mund aufgerissen vor/in lauter wütendem Geschrei und du siehst es nicht.

Orale Befriedigung - Sacher-Masoch style

Ich stopfe mir ein Stück Orange in den Mund; so groß, dass ich, als ich sie zerbeiße, beinahe an dem herausquillenden Saft ersticke.

Interlude - The Streets

Der neue heiße Scheiß

oder: mein persönlicher Berlin Soundtrack.

Spiritual Blackmail

If there really is a God or some sort of higher Being, then I should end up living in Berlin one day.

Quote of the day

Heute früh vor dem Aufstehn war ich nach sehr unruhigem Schlaf so traurig, daß ich mich vor Traurigkeit aus dem Fenster nicht werfen (das wäre für meine Traurigkeit noch zu lebenslustig gewesen), aber ausgießen hätte wollen.

Franz Kafka

Quote of the day

Was ist so schlecht an deinem Leben, fragte er, seine Stimme war plötzlich traurig, und ich sagte, ich weiß es nicht genau, nichts Bestimmtes, nur daß es mein Leben ist und ich ihm gehöre und so tief drinstecke.

Zeruya Shalev Liebesleben

Warum nicht...?

... das Jahr mit einer Liste der Dinge beginnen, von denen ich die Schnauze gehörig voll habe.

Ich hab die Schnauze voll davon, auf die Bedürfnisse anderer Rücksicht zu nehmen. Ich habe die Schnauze voll davon, vorsichtig und vernünftig zu sein. Verständnisvoll? Hab ich gehörig die Schnauze voll von. Geduldig und entgegenkommend ebenso. Mega-die-Schnauze-voll hab ich von Familien - meiner im besonderen und allen anderen im allgemeinen. Insbesondere davon, dass von dem Moment an, wo Menschen selber Kinder haben, sie aufhören, sie selbst zu sein und sich fortan die Welt für sie zum Großteil nur mehr um diese Kinder dreht, und dafür erwarten sie dann auch noch Verständnis. Beziehungen? Schnauze voll. Rücksicht nehmen auf die Beziehungen anderer? Geht mir gehörig auf den Senkel. Ganz hoch hoben auch: Fußgänger die auf dem Radweg stehen oder gehen. Kollegial sein. Menschenmassen in der Fußgängerzone. Mein Scheiß-verfluchtes Fahrrad jeden Tag die Kellertreppe rauf und runter schleppen zu müssen. Männer mit aufgeblasenem Ego. Schlechte Friseure.

Wenn alle diese Dinge es bitte vermeiden könnten, 2010 meinen Weg zu kreuzen, wäre ich sehr dankbar.

Herzlichst,

Zornika Zürn

La Roux

I like it girl, you got that graphic thing going for you.

Ich lese Kafkas Briefe an Felice und muss weinen und lachen zugleich.

Was soll das schon heißen, von wegen: das ist mir aus der Seele gesprochen - und doch muss ich es sagen: da scheint mir jemand aus der Seele geschrieben zu haben.

Denn es ist doch so: Seit Wochen - tatsächlich, soweit sind wir schon gekommen: seit Wochen erdrückt mich die schier unwahrscheinliche Anzahl der Nachrichten, die ich von dir hätte bekommen wollen; sollen; müssen, ja: müssen! - und auf die ich vergeblich warte, mir versagend sie einzufordern. Denn wie rechtfertigen, dass ich Rechenschaft haben will, von jedem Tag, jedem Moment, der dir vergeht ohne mich. Buchhalterisch zu Gericht sitzen wie Kafka möchte ich: Wo ist der Montagsbrief, der Dienstagsbrief, der mittwochs abgeschickte Expressbrief, der Donnerstag immer noch nicht eintraf.

Wie auch davon sprechen, von den unzähligen Nachrichten, die ich dir geschrieben habe in den letzten Wochen - verzweifelte, anklagende, bittende, flehende, drohende, ja, auch das: drohende -, geschrieben und doch nicht abgeschickt, weil ich es nicht wage, weil ich mich nicht so ertrage, weil ich es nicht ertrage: diese Hilflosigkeit, diese Abhängigkeit. Wie nur soll ich dir sagen, dass jeder Tag ohne dir mir sinnlos vorkommt; nun gut, nicht sinnlos vielleicht, das nicht, aber doch - wie weh es mir tut, einen Tag ohne dich zu verbringen, weil ich weiß (oder eigentlich: vermute), wieviel schöner er wäre, zusammen mit dir.

Wie die Angst rechtfertigen, diese Furcht - völlig unbegründet, natürlich, und doch da -, die macht, dass ich mich hilflos und außer Kontrolle fühle; und die meiner vermeintlichen Souveränität und Unabhängigkeit ins Gesicht lacht. Wie sagen, dass er mir unerträglich ist dieser Zustand, obwohl ich um die Situation weiß - natürlich, natürlich! - und doch ändert es nichts daran, rein gar nichts daran, dass es mir unerträglich ist, aufzustehen jeden Tag, seit Wochen, und nicht zu wissen: ob und wann und wie.

Happy new year

You know how many crying, drunk, desperate people I saw tonight?